Ben’s Career
For those who know us well some of this will be redundant. Ben was raised in a cult. He went through it’s preschool through college. He earned an unaccredited bachelor of theology. He did not have a choice growing up of what he would do with his life. He was the first-born and his father made it clear that all his sons would either be a preacher or missionary. He also had no choice of schooling. Ben finished his degree and married me with the expectation that we would move to Zambia, Africa as missionaries sent from this same church/cult. God had different plans for us. I only dated Ben because I wanted to go to Africa and he was planning on going. But God completely delivered us from the bondage of that church only 3 months after we were married. Next, Ben worked as youth pastor and music director, and I as church secretary in a small church in Missouri. Then 2 years later we left the independent fundamental baptist church for good. We headed straight back into a different stripe of legalism because that’s all we knew and it felt safe and familiar. Despite our continued conservatism we were excommunicated from Ben’s family right after our first child was born. Shortly thereafter Ben realized that he was not called into ministry. We didn’t know what to do now that his degree held no value but we needed money quickly so we came up with a plan that he would become a carpenter. His dad’s own attempts at being in ministry were thwarted due to a past divorce so he had stayed in the construction business. Ben was often made to work for him And got a lot of experience that way. Nevertheless there was a lot he didn’t know. We suffered financially as he made many mistakes without a father to ask for help or answer questions. He started out doing handyman stuff and then had the opportunity to build a log home with 2 other men. Then he was hired to build custom homes. He bought books and studied at night until he became a very good builder and crew leader. He did side jobs and worked way too many hours. We never saw him. After being fired from that job for being late, he went into business for himself again. We rehabbed a home, again making many mistakes! We both learned a ton! We never had enough capital to get the business off the ground. We had four children by this time and lots of pressure to provide for them. We decided we were completely in over our heads with owning 2 homes and out of money. We couldn’t keep work coming in steadily. It was feast or famine for years. We were expecting our 5th child and out of work and things were really bad. The housing and construction market got really slow. We decided to either give back or sell both homes. Thankfully, due to God’s mercy and grace, we were able to sell both places to investors and pay off both mortgages. We did not, however, pay off the credit cards which we used to help fix up both places. We got far behind on bills as Ben had no work. We decided to revamp our business to construction management and move to St. Louis to try and reach the demographic we hoped would build our construction business. Again, no capital! Not a good situation, but we were at a loss for any other options. So we buckled down and read every business book we could get our hands on. Our business was awesome but again God had other plans. Ben finished one big job then the well was dry. We had our fifth baby and God so graciously led us completely out of legalism. We finally left the 2nd cult! What a miracle! God did another miracle shortly thereafter. We were scrounging for work, almost being evicted from our rental home. Things were as bad as they had ever been. Then an acquaintance mentioned his company was hiring construction people. Again, we researched how to build resumes, how to interview, how to start a career and then he applied to Monsanto. They first said no, then Ben asked them to reconsider. They said they would consider him for a project engineer position. After a 6 month long process he started at Monsanto as a construction project manager. They knew he didn’t have an engineering degree but were experimenting with hiring non-degreed people. They had had success in other departments. So Ben was hired at entry-level. Still it was the most money we had made and the first time we had had health insurance. But it was very tight. I was very ill at this time and we had a lot of out of pocket health expenses. Ben pressed on and was promoted twice in 2 years. Then Monsanto did a major lay-off and restructuring and Ben got selected , he was told, because he had no degree. He was called back to Monsanto as a contractor 6 months later working the same exact job only no guarantees of full time employment and no benefits. He has been working like this since March. He has been applying for other similar jobs but all require a degree. When he was laid off we did what color is your parachute and explored some other career options. One of which was security design. But again without capital or experience you can’t get the certifications you need to get going in that field. He started volunteering at the local fire department for their Search and Rescue Team. He loves that work but it is mostly volunteer. To get paid you have to go the route of Firefighter Paramedic. He’s not into firefighting so that looks out. We have been trying to figure out his calling, what did God make him for? He loves Emergency response and medical stuff. It’s interesting, I can see the same person he was way back in the confines of the cult. He still loved adventure and challenges, thus African missionary. So we have been looking into the medical careers for a couple of years now. Physician’s assistant sounds really good except for the huge debt it takes to become one. Recently during one of my job hunts for Ben I came across a RN position for a helicopter rescue company. We can’t quite provide for our family on a paramedics salary or that would be a good fit. But an RN in emergency, trauma, etc seems to be what he is interested in. And it seems to have the potential to provide for our family’s needs. But now the pressure is on as Ben’s boss told him recently that his work has to go to some other construction engineers who need more work. This will happen by October. Now Ben’s work is already slowing down and he is feeling like he needs to find some side jobs. He can’t get another part time job because he still has to travel and be available for Monsanto. So he is hoping to find some flexible side jobs to make up for the slow down in hours. It is a lot of pressure we are feeling right now. So it seems he needs to find another job to provide for us while he goes to school but we have this no degree hurdle and it is easy to feel like we are going backwards. I know this is not true. Finding one’s calling is important. And even though it is difficult it is worth it to glorify God in the purpose He created us for. I know my purpose during these years is to support Ben and raise my children. I also want my husband to be happy in his work. He hates cubicles and I don’t blame him. Not healthy! It also seems that my health is taking a turn for the worse. I have been in a lot of pain for the last week or two. Please pray for God’s guidance, provision, and healing.
Add a comment July 2, 2011
June 2011
June was a busy month. We finished Victoria’s school with part of the Little House series. We read the first 5 books. We also did the library’s book club and they got awesome prizes! So yesterday we went and redeemed their treat coupons from Sonic after taking them to the Science Center. Ben had got 4 free tickets from CERT to see Rescue at the omnimax. He took the 3 older kids and I walked around with Cara and Ted (who now prefers to be called Theodore). I actually heard him introduce himself to a little boy at the park as Theodore. He likes his name, Theodore Valor, and often reminds me that it means bravery in the face of danger. He says, I’m brave. He had his 3 1/2 bday on the 13th and Joybelle had her 9 1/2 bday on the 27th. Wow! We have no babies in our home! It’s sad and exciting. Sad, because who doesn’t enjoy the preciousness of little ones? Exciting, we are entering a whole new way of life. Life with little kids is way easier than life with several babies. Yet, it has it’s challenges, too. No part of raising children is easy. Love costs. But it is soooo worth it. Being a mother has been such a blessing. Joybelle will be 10 this year!!! I am so blessed to have my life so enriched by these 5 children.
Part of what we’ve been busy doing is caring for our new Rottweiler puppy, Frodo, and our chicks. We are raising some for meat and some for eggs. We will butcher sometime this summer. We also had 2 weeks of sickness. Now I am struggling with pain. My neck and lower back are so inflamed. I was stuck in bed last week with horrible pain. This is what comes of me living like a normal healthy person. I have been eating sugar, wheat, grains often. Not good choices. I also have not been walking. With fibromyalgia, I can’t eat like this and not exercise without it catching up to me. So I’ve hit bottom again. Now I have to limit activity and start eating right for a couple of weeks to get the pain under control. If only my body could keep up with my brain. I wanted to work in my garden, paint my house, make curtains, etc. Maybe I will still be able to. Since we are done with school now I had big plans for July. Noble will turn 6!!! But we make our plans, God directs our steps. This month I also have been obsessed with goats. I actually had to repent of hoping and scheming to purchase supplies and goats. I was getting way too into it. I actually got depressed when we couldn’t buy some goats for a really good price. Very silly, I know! But that’s how it is with idols. So I repented of turning to goats for excitement and contentment and turned to Christ for what I am seeking. He is much better than goats. I am so ADD and am always seeking some new thrill. As if 5 kids and homeschooling and a dog and chickens aren’t enough, I want milk goats on top of it! I’m not saying it is wrong for me to have dairy goats, I was just loving the idea more than God! We’ll see what God allows!
For Father’s Day we got 2 Dutch rabbits for my dad. He raises grass fed belted Galloway cattle. They are black with a white belt down the middle. So now he has matching rabbits. Of course my kids want rabbits now but not me. There’s more going on with Ben’s career but that will have to be another post! Today Colleen is taking me out for my birthday which was in April to a Tea House! Her girls are watching my kids. I hope they can handle it! I’ve got to go get ready!
Add a comment June 30, 2011
Oh my, am I ever behind!!!
I am hoping to get a blog app on my phone and maybe update from there. I miss blogging.
Add a comment June 30, 2011
First part of March 2009
Our kids got sick and we couldn’t go to church. We paid off our van and got about $1400 worth of work done on it. It had been limping for a long time. Praise God for that provision. We were also able to get a few pieces of clothing for everyone and get our family defense plan in better order. We think that is very high priority with Ben traveling and the US economy about to bust. We had a lot of other goals that we couldn’t reach like buying more bulk food. But we think we did the best with what we had. We are house hunting and coming up with nothing after hours and hours of looking. It is always so hard to find the right place for the right price. Ben traveled to Tennessee last week and is in Arizona now. Our lease is up April 1st. We’ll see what good thing the Lord has in store for us. We can lease month to month now. Last month after reporting to the dr. my depression and lack of improvement we tried some different things. Instead of tryptophan and L-tyrosine I am taking 5-HTP and instead of adrenogen I am taking licorice/adrenal support. Both are a little stronger than the former supplement. I love this naturopath as she treats you like a whole person. She realized even before I did by listening to me that we are still in the storm of legalism and independent fundamental Baptists. As I have just finished the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality I have realized how much of my illness is directly linked to the emotional abuse that I experienced at their hands. It went on in the next church we were part of for the next five years only in a milder form. If you’re curious please read the book. It would take a book for me to explain it. Peter Scazzero does a much better job than I could ever do. Once again I am being freed from the inward drive that I was taught would please God. I have worked so hard and long and never taken care of myself. Everyone seems to exclaim, no wonder you’re worn out you have 5 little ones! It really was not that! That was the icing on the cake. My illness started back when I was in college for sure. Maybe in high school even. I wanted to be sold out to God. I have always been a perfectionist overachiever. God is healing me and leading me to sit and be still in his love. I apologize if my September and October posts led others to unrealistic goals for their children and family. No longer am I guilting myself if I’m not formally schooling everyday with a perfect house with children who have a complete street of homemade piggy bank houses. I don’t have this all the way figured out yet, but I am sitting around a lot more even when I feel good and spending time with my kids. I am learning to indulge in God’s love. I can’t go forward till I’ve done that. I know that now. I wish I could communicate to you all that these books have taught me. It is so expansive that it would take me copying the whole of several books. I don’t mean to be pressuring anyone to read but I only want to share what God is doing in me. I have been desperately sick. My physical state is only the outward reflection of the religion that I have embraced for the last 15 years. My physical problems are very real, but they are directly related to my emotional and spiritual health. God made us with all of these elements. I have been emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. And now I am almost bankrupt physically. I believed all the legalistic teaching such as, if you love God you’ll die to yourself completely, have as many babies as you can since they are blessings, give your life to give life to others, who needs sleep, you don’t need time for yourself just serve others, don’t worry about a career just serve God, emotions are evil and will deceive you. And in being “sold out to God” I have almost lost the most precious gift God gave me to share with others: myself! Please pray for me that God would restore my physical health as he continues to heal my emotional and spiritual health. This week, a young woman became my friend on Facebook. She was the pastor’s daughter where Ben was youth pastor right after we left Fairhaven. It was the last IFB church we were in. We were very proud and unkind just like we were trained to be. Once we started thinking for ourselves we were told we couldn’t talk to anyone about anything except what was in the statement of faith. Again God was pushing us, almost forcing us into freedom. We left with the pastor’s family and many others disappointed in us and most not willing to speak with us. Well that was over 7 years ago. A lot has happened in all of our lives. The pastor’s daughter and I have been writing. We are friends again after all these years and I can’t tell you how emotional and happy this has been for me. She also has been freed and so have her parents. Praise God. PS I did post the 7 page letter to Ben’s family and anyone abused at Fairhaven on People Against Abusive Churches. We have already been cut off by one friend who thought I posted too much information, poor girl. It’s so hard to see the truth when you are involved. I do struggle with did I do the right thing? because I hate hurting people. But I know I did. This is an example. Someone gets raped. I say oh I’m so sorry this happened to you. May God heal you. Then the victim says. So-and-so did this to me. I respond by saying, Oh, don’t say their name. Does that communicate that I genuinely care about them or that I’m more concerned about keeping face? No, letting them confirm the truth is coming along side and bearing each others burdens. God meets us in the truth and the reality of our hurts. Also, we could all start posting every sin of every other person. That is not what this is. God calls us to love and forgive and be longsuffering. I do not glory in human blunders. The sin I speak of is malicious abuse with intent to hurt for the purpose of gaining control over people in the name of God. And it continues today! That’s why I had to write what I wrote. If your not a member of People Against Abusive Churches on Facebook, feel free to join. That’s where you’ll find the letter, it includes an apology to anyone who got abused while I was on staff there.
Add a comment March 12, 2009
February 2009
We did make it to church to the fold luncheon. I was a little out of it mentally. Feeling not myself. I made it through but remained exhausted and irritable. Leslie Steel came over on Tuesday to watch the kids while I went to physical therapy. I was not myself and was anxious but couldn’t not be. Still exhausted. Ben and I forgot to arrange for me to have the van so I missed therapy after all. I was still feeling depressed and tired and insecure. The kids were also a little crazy and it just all felt wrong. Poor sweet Leslie. I cancelled my other physical therapy appointment for later that week which Jodi Burnley was going to watch my children. I stayed in bed for the next couple days and then was able to take the kids out to the grassy area on Friday, 75 degrees. It felt good to feel the warm sunshine and to play and laugh with my children. I’m feeling discouraged about my health. On the 7th we took the kids to my size park. That’s what we call the park in Webster Groves that Laura Johnson told us about when we were house hunting 2 years ago in St. Louis. We have kept going there because we love it so much. Ben made a trip to Arizona the next week. I was able to get enough strength to take the kids to Stacy Park and I even lit a fire with leaves and hickory chips and grilled hot dogs and had a picnic. I was so happy I could do that. Then the children and I walked all the way around Stacy Park track and then played at the playground. Ben had told me he tried to get Shannon to babysit for Valentine’s day so we could go out but it didn’t work out. She had other plans. But on Friday night the 13th, she called and said she could come, did we want to go out. We said yes. Only problem was I was PMSing and feeling mentally dull. So I tried to adjust myself but it is hard at this point. It almost feels like a motorcycle helmet with a cloudy shield. I can feel the shield come down but I can’t do much about it. But we did go and we had a wonderful time. We were both exhausted from a week of Ben traveling. We went to the Cheesecake factory at the Galleria and ordered cheesecake to go. Then we went and got coffee and shared it while we ate our cheesecake at the little starbucks café. Then we went and watched Mall Cop. So hilarious and good. It was the first time we ever went to the movie theatre as a couple. We had gone a couple other times with friends and family. We have had so few fun experiences that this was one of the funnest. My dad was at our house at 7 am the next day. I let Ben sleep in, he needed it. So did I but I wanted to see my dad. Dad brought Valentine’s for the kids. He stayed for an hour or two. Later we went house hunting. I was out of it mentally and exhausted and irritable. We made it to church the next day. Ever since we had our first child we have attended churches where whole families worshipped together. We love the idea and still hold it as our goal. But we had been trying to decide how we could better teach Joybelle and Victoria how to worship when our hands are full of the other 3 babies. Ben thought putting them in the nursery was showing them more grace then trying to get them to sit through an adult service. Old habits die hard, and I put up a fight. If you know me, mamma bear, I did not want to turn my babies over to strangers. After much debate we decided that we would try the nursery after we asked a lot of questions and made sure it was safe and keeping the same family worship goal once they’re older. Well I asked around and tried to get a hold of the nursery coordinator but she was out with a family emergency. I found out the people were screened etc, but wanted to know more. But in good faith and considering my exhaustion we put the 3 little ones in the nursery. Our 2 big girls came alive that worship service. It worked wonderfully when we could invest in them. Our 3 little ones loved their class and Noble cried to have to go home. So we thought this is going to be great. The next week was spent looking for houses and I was PMSing and out of it (I have 2 good weeks and 2 bad each month.) So I missed the coordinator again. My fault completely. This Sunday we decided to put the little ones in the nursery and Ben would take the 2 big girls down to children’s worship to see what he thought about that. We love our church as they offer children’s worship till 8 yrs. then they encourage families to worship together. So Ben thought maybe they would like that even more and that in a year, Joybelle would come back with us and then Noble and Vici would be together in children’s worship and we would be able to spend one on one time teaching them to worship with us. That is if we deemed it a safe a good thing. So that service I worshipped by myself. Yuck! Strange after all these years of being all together. I tried to act normal but felt really lonely and still mentally irritable. The next week I was able to find out further information that helped Ben and I decide that the nursery wasn’t feasible for our family. We didn’t mind putting them in there so long as they were being influenced for God. We found out that they hire unbelievers and we just can’t justify putting them in there to learn about God from someone who doesn’t know God. I know there are good godly women in there as well, but we just can’t risk our children’s impression of God to unbelievers. So we will be back to all 7 of us in the balcony. I’m glad and sad. It could have been such a blessing to our family had it worked out. Ben was home again that week. These 2 weeks of him not traveling helped me get on my feet a little more. We got our income tax returns. Ben took a CPR class at work. Then the next day, 28th he took a conceal carry class to get his license. We found out we won’t be going to Hawaii. Shew, a relief and a disappointment. I’m am really discouraged about my health. I wonder if I’ll ever be better consistently. Just when I give up and think, I am probably dying of some disease then I have a week of better days, and the better days keep getting better and more often. I just don’t think of that when I’m losing my mind and feeling like ending it all. Ben keeps reminding me that I just need to let myself fall into the fountain of God’s grace. When I’ve been a monster and I can’t escape myself, he is so good to remind me to show myself grace. If you know me at all you would know that I do not justify unkindness, but this is truly not who I am. I am not well and I am so thankful that God loves me even in this state. Ben’s and the children’s love have been such a comfort to me. I am so thankful that even though this illness has been long and hard on everyone, they have not abandoned me or begrudged me. They love me and I am grateful. How blessed I am! One of the pastors at TOPC gave Ben a book called The Emotionally Healthy Church. Ben and he had met and Ben shared some of our history with him. He was so kind to share this book with us. If I am understanding it correctly, all of the pastoral staff of our church have to go through the book as a Bible study type thing. Once I began reading it I could see what has drawn us to the church. This is the book that has influenced the leadership to lead out of brokenness and vulnerability. This book teaches the essence of authentic faith, love, and how to accomplish abiding in God’s love. I cannot do it justice. This book is written for church leadership, which we are not. So we found the updated version written for the layperson and scarfed it up as well. It is called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. Both are written by Peter Scazzero. These books are incredible. If I could recommend only 2 books to new Christians it would be this book and Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel. Concerning Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, this should be read by anyone who has been in legalism. If you’re not sure if your in legalism, them you should read both of these books. They will set you free and send you down the road of healing.
Add a comment March 12, 2009
January 2009
Happy New Year! I wonder what this year will be like. Oh that’s scary and exciting isn’t it? I still worry about having MS. I should just go to the neurologist and find out for sure. But I hate to keep piling up the bills even with insurance its expensive. And I have seen so much improvement that sometimes I think it would be a waste of $. Also I have done some research and I’m doing all the things I would do to treat MS already. I wouldn’t be willing to go on the drugs with the side effects. At least not yet. The first week of January I was toast. Our whole family came down with sickness. We totally junked out with junk food around Christmas. I was feeling extreme fatigue. I had a sinus infection. Vertigo woke me up on the 8th. I felt myself spinning and opened my eyes and saw the window spinning and shook Ben and asked him to pray for me. I barely made it to the toilet. I had to crawl back. It is so sickening. I just broke down crying. Its like you just have to go to the center of the spinning and hang on to God. I’m not sure what was going on there, probably the sinus infection and the stress just set me off. I haven’t had vertigo since June. What’s worse is Ben had to leave that morning for Tennessee. He was extremely stressed out having to leave me. The vertigo only lasted for about 15 minutes and then he stayed for a while but then had to leave. I felt much better and tried to assure him I was okay, but inside wanted him to stay so badly. I knew he couldn’t. He called Shannon and she came over about 8 that night and took the kids to the mall and brought dinner for me. So sweet. I rested and it felt good. Then she and I talked till 1 am. Duh! Ben was in Canada the next week. I graduated into the pool at physical therapy. I’m exercising everyday and it feels a little better. I’m still so tight. I think they didn’t do enough massage to get me better. Ben got back and then his brother David and wife Rachel came through. They finally left FH and moved out to California with Seth. Good for them! I ran out of progesterone and tryptophan and was exhausted from being by myself all week. Nevertheless, we had a wonderful time. It was like getting some of our past back. It was amazing. We hadn’t really known them for almost 10 years. And they were like 16 when we left. We didn’t even get invited to their wedding because of the excommunication. Rachel’s family sort of adopted me when I was in college and our best dates were chaperoned by her parents at their house. I don’t think we would have gotten married without the O’hair’s help. So we had a lot of memories together. They ended up staying Friday thru Monday. It was wonderful. We talked, laughed, ate good food, went shopping and to Steak N Shake, went to church together, played wii, watched spiderman 3, Ben and David went shooting, we also went to Incredible Pizza and Rachel and I played Dance Dance Revolution. They loved our kids so naturally. They brought their dog Lucy who our kids loved. It was just like family should be. It was another highlight of our life. I broke down crying when they left. Ben wept too afterwards as it was bittersweet to get a brother back after so many years of rejection and then to have to say goodbye again after such a sweet time. For me it was especially emotional, because I have always felt judged by Ben’s family and to have a sister-in-law be my friend meant so much. Also I had just found out that my brother and sister-in-law who I thought was like a sister were getting a divorce. And she won’t talk to me. I have lost a good friend. So I was even more emotional. Ben went back to work Tues. and I was so exhausted that I was really sick. By the weekend I was losing my mind and PMSing so bad. I felt like I might as well be dead. I didn’t realize till my next dr. appt. it was because I ran out of tryptophan. Those neurotransmitters can mess with your head, lol obviously. I was just getting on my feet the next week and Ben left for Arizona. The 3 day trips kill me.
Add a comment March 12, 2009
December 2008
Ben went back to work and I had a week to recover before he traveled again. We continued to pour over our new books. We read For Woman Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. That really freaked me out. I will admit that I disagree slightly with this book on where temptation becomes sin, but all in all, it was another wake up call, calling me out of my idealistic ultra-conservativism, don’t-talk-about-these-things world, into the real world of men. I had believed that godly men weren’t tempted at beautiful women because they were happy in their marriage. I won’t go into all of it, you can read the book yourself, but God used it to reveal some major insecurities in my life. That led me to read the book, Captivating, which I wept probably the entire book. I also started reading, Building Your Mates Self-Esteem, not to take away from the books intent of helping your mate, but I needed help. Wow, did I struggle through some major issues, like not liking my body (lest you should forget I have had 6 pregnancies in 6 years), slaying phantoms like being the perfect wife and mother, letting my husband be the male human that God made him to be, not getting my fulfillment from Ben, believing I am beautiful and special to God, learning that I have worth, reclaiming my sensuality and sexuality and beauty that I lost when I became a IF Baptist(the book, Intimate Issues helped tremendously.) Most of these things are so basic, but I have struggled my whole life, focusing on so many unimportant things like not wearing pants, being meek and quiet, living in the country, blah blah blah blah. I also read The New Eve back in the fall which started to teach me some of my unique design, which I then learned more about when Ben and I did the Unique Design personality survey that Men’s Fraternity has all the men do. Wow that was also amazing. Can you believe that I completely lost myself in the IF Baptist Church and other legalistic movements and I am 31 and I am just learning who I am and what I like and the infinite love that God has for me. I have come back to life. I have started dancing again. I have loved to dance my whole life. It was forbidden for 12 years. After it wasn’t forbidden anymore, I would dance with my children but never in front of Ben. I had never danced with my husband once. Oh I take that back, I did English county dance (the acceptable form of dance in our church) once or twice for about a minute in public. Yet this is one of the strongest parts of my soul and personality. Well I did dance with my husband. My kind of dancing. It was glorious! We danced to Put Your Arms Around Me by Natasha Bedingfield. I have also realized that God made me to love. That is my keenest personality strength. All this time I thought I was the organizer, manager, thus all the chore charts etc. Not bad ideas, it gets your house clean, but I noticed my relationships with my children were suffering. Joybelle was sad and lonely. Victoria was overwhelmed. The others are too young. I was demanding. So I have decided that I don’t care if my house is clean. Now we clean it as a group and we make a race or a game out of it. Everyone is much happier. I’m going to draw on the strengths that God has given me and love my children. I honestly can’t do both well. This was such an amazing month of healing and letting myself become who God made me to be. I even got my hair cut into a short do which I haven’t had since high school and painted my fingernails and toenails red! It was fun! There is a lot of healing left but God has definitely answered my prayers of healing my heart. Keep it coming, Lord. Ben was in Texas and Arizona the 2nd and 3rd weeks of December. I planned a special date night for Ben and I after we got the kids in bed. It was a great start to our holiday. Then he was off for more than 2 weeks! Yippee. We still can’t get used to this paid vacation. We, former self-employed people hyperventilated at the holidays because if we didn’t work we didn’t get any money. Yeehaw this is great! But you know good times can’t last forever. The old enemy had plans to not let things keep moving along so smoothly. God was at work and the enemy wanted to interrupt that! The Sunday before Christmas we got a message from Ben’s dad saying they would like either to come down and bring gifts or us come up. We had been talking to them since right before last Christmas but with my health we could not risk getting together yet. We were determined that the issues which caused us to be excommunicated from the family for the previous 6 years would be dealt with Biblically and thoroughly. No repeats of the same miserable relationship we had before the excommunication, especially in light of how much damage it did to our marriage and now that we have 5 little souls to answer for. But my health and our extremely busy year never let things move forward. We didn’t even feel bad about it because we knew we couldn’t. But Ben knew that a confrontation would be coming. We just didn’t expect it now. So Ben called his dad that night and talked and poured his heart out to his dad for over an hour, explaining the abuse and hurts and struggles that he still is dealing with having been raised at Fairhaven. He wept several times and made it clear that by denying these things it was adding more wounds. His dad responded in anger and defense of his church. When Ben further explained that we couldn’t go on in the relationship until this was admitted and that they would just end up not liking us once they got to know us, his dad (now looking for a reason to cut us off) said what do you mean? We were actually pouring it on at this time and high fiving at the ridiculousness that was being exposed. We had expected all along that this evil was under the surface but were surprised at how easily it was all being revealed. (I know this might sound bad, but God gives you a certain amount of no-nonsense, get to the bottom of the issue so we can resolve it and move on or not, wisdom. Once you’ve dealt with the yuck of sin in people like we have, it makes things so clear. This was very clear.) Once Ben said he smoked a pipe occasionally and believed in partaking of alcohol in moderation (which I might add, Robert already knew for sure from Nathan) then Robert hinted at excommunication. Ben pushed for clarity and Robert said it would be best if we wished each other a Merry Christmas and we’ll see you in heaven. We laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. But then the sadness sets in. Especially for me. I had really hoped they had changed. 2 days later we get boxes of gifts delivered at our door. Wierd, huh? It was hard not to let all this ruin our Christmas. Even our seven year old said, we don’t want gifts, we just want love. This led to our starting People Against Abusive Churches: a closed group on facebook that has helpful articles and books and lets members minister the love of God to one another with healing as the goal of sharing their stories. We have many ex-Fairhaven members and some who have never attended FH. Some members have been sexually abused and others we don’t even know their background. It has been extremely healing for us to rally together and realize for example that we are not the only ones who still have nightmares almost a decade later. We did manage to have a wonderful Christmas with our children although slightly dampened by the events with Ben’s parents. Once again Ben gave me freedom to be myself and be an equal partner in speaking with his parents. That was never allowed in olden days and it felt wonderful that my husband saw me as an equal and was willing to let me speak as if I had worth. Wow, I can almost believe I do. I have to note that I got the awesomest flip flops for Christmas. They have Velcro bands that you can change to match your outfits. They’re great and look cool with painted toenails. And I got Natasha Pocketful of Sunshine! I love the song Freckles. So me. She is my kind of girl! We spent the day after Christmas at my parents. On New Years Eve, Ben’s brother Jon came in town to party with a friend. After waiting, literally more than 24 hours for the geek to come over, he showed up and redeemed himself by bringing his very sweet and pretty girlfriend and an almost believable explanation of his extreme lateness. You can understand that by this point I was fed up with Ben’s family. I might mention that handing us the money to buy our kids a wii, did take away some of the sting. Really, it was great to see him even if he only stayed for 2 hours or so! Now I started to feel the exhaustion coming on. I also composed a 7 page letter to Ben’s parents, siblings, and all who had ever been hurt by Fairhaven while I was on staff. I might post that too. I have never sent it to them, but it explains how I feel. It was great to get it all on paper and it documents the story more accurately. But the emotional stress just kills me. To my relief at this point of exhaustion, Annie the college girl decided not to move in. I don’t know why and we are on great terms. We also got a lot of health stuff like bloodwork for Ben and Joybelle done during Christmas vacation. Oh I almost forgot that in December Teddy turned one. We celebrated with sugar-free, flourless pumpkinseed chocolate brownies that tasted so nasty that we added the good stuff, whipped cream and chocolate syrup. And Joybelle turned 7. We spent the evening at Jack and Becky’s house. Their Katelyn and Joybelle are best friends. We had a wonderful time. I was mentally a little out of it by that point. I hope I didn’t appear too weird. Also wanted to note that in December my all the time irritability really decreased. Right after ovulation I noticed I start to get a little weird and then the PMS builds so that I am a monster right before my period and it actually lasts until my period stops. I am taking a ton of stuff. The Evening primrose oil has stopped the heavy periods and they only last 3-4 days instead of 7. I also started sleeping better at night instead of the anxiety I had before. Also starting to get libido back. I started physical therapy for the muscle pain and tightness that I have all over my body. She wouldn’t even let me get in the pool because I am so tight and messed up.
Add a comment March 12, 2009
November 2008
I had started seeing the naturopath the last week of October. She ran a lot of tests which I did not get back for several weeks. We did blood work, urine and saliva tests, testing neuro-transmitters, and hormone levels along with all the basic blood work stuff. Once again I am so thankful for having health insurance. Monsanto has awesome insurance too! I always have to go back a little and finish the previous month to get the whole flow of the beginning. The last week of October was full with my doctor appt., the next day 3 of the children had appts, me doing all the at home test kits, then we celebrated Victorias’ 5th birthday at old downtown St. Charles with a carriage ride. We also ran out and saw the newborn calf at my parents house just born that morning. Then we had another celebration on her birthday day, and then we decided that we would attend Monsanto’s Halloween party for the kids. We never really celebrated Halloween before but didn’t see any real harm in it. So I frantically sewed a fairy costume for Joybelle, wings and all, and a medieval princess costume for Victoria. Noble said he wanted to be a bobcat so I printed out a paper mask and colored it (we were out of colored ink) and laminated it and put rubberbands on for the ears. Cara’s was a pink bunny mask that she did not wear. We wrapped Teddy in a bear towel and called him the normal nick-name, Teddy BearJ Monsanto went all out but it definitely freaked my kids out as it was the yucky goblin type party. Talk about culture shock. Going from not celebrating Halloween to slime and monsters, etc. Its no wonder kids are frightened. It reminded us that its really not that great of a tradition but we still don’t see any harm in participating as long as we aren’t doing anything wrong. By Halloween I was exhausted and getting very sick. I did not yet realize how sick I was. That would come later after I started to see how much better I felt. I have always struggled with being honest with myself about how bad things were for me. There’s a lot more coming on that later. So on the first day of November we were out shopping for strange foods. The dr (really his assistant who is a naturopath but its easier to say dr) wanted me to go on an anti-candida diet. So I read 2 books on it, made my menus for 2 weeks and went shopping accordingly. I started the no sugar, no wheat, no corn, no milk, no eggs, no fruit diet on the 2nd. We had made a bulk food order a few weeks before and that came into Warrenton on the 3rd. By bulk food I mean where you purchase food in 25# or 50# quantities. Our order consisted of things like 3 kinds of dried beans, rice, wheat berries which I grind into flour, oats, popcorn which I grind for cornmeal etc. Now I must say something here lest anyone think I’m a legalist. I have been a legalist for many years, thinking that my family would have some kind of special favor from God if I worked really hard and fed them only the “best” nourishing foods. But God has since freed me from this. I do not care if I don’t make homemade bread for 6 months. I have even gone longer. I am realizing that I need to give myself a break! Thank you for that one Lord. But never the less, I still do like to buy things bulk because it is so much cheaper. I also enjoy, yes enjoy, making my own stuff as much as I can. I love to cook and it is soooo yummy! But if you do not have your own mill or never plan to make a homemade loaf of bread do not feel less of a woman, because God loves you and I don’t think he cares all that much about it. Praise him we have the freedom to be different and make choices of which none can add or take away his love from us! That needed to be said! So on the 3rd with our little no-everything diet lunch packed we headed out to Warrenton. We got our bulk order loaded in our mini-van and then went to the Lamotte’s house and visited for several hours. It was so good to see them. I never see Robyn. She is like a mother, sister, friend, who I know will always love me. I am blessed to call her my friend. Our children had a wonderful time and didn’t want to go home. But we did. Ben was in Canada and by the time I got home my back was hurting so bad. I had not driven myself that far (1 hour away) in several months because of dizziness and motion sickness and the fact that I can’t predict when I will get sick next. Also it seems to take a lot out of me. Sometimes I get so foggy-brained I don’t know what road to take or where I am momentarily. I have even headed the wrong way on a one way street into oncoming traffic and left my baby in the car on accident. That’s why I stopped going places by myself. So that was a big venture and I paid for it for the next several days. I was wasted the rest of the week. Ben was home on Wednesday and headed out for Arizona on Thurs and Fri. Again I was wasted over the weekend and we couldn’t even go to church. We did manage to take our kids to REI to rock climb but I was sick the whole time. So fatigued, weak, dizzy, yuck! I had gotten a call from a 17 year old girl who was attending college in St. Louis. She also went to the inquirer’s class at church, that’s where we met. I had her over once and really liked her. She called the first week in November and asked if she could move in to get out of the dorms. We prayed about it and said yes, so I took her out to dinner on the 11th. We had a good time just sharing and talking very honestly about what it would be like living in our chaos. She decided to move in after Thanksgiving. On the 12th I went back to the dr. I found out that I had V-D defiency, low serotonin, dopamine, and nor epinephrine levels, and low progesterone. Also my cortisol levels in the mornings were off the charts low. That means I have adrenal fatigue which explains why I could hardly get myself out of bed the whole past summer and fall. I had already been on progesterone for 2 months before the test which shows how very low I was to begin with. She raised my dosage and my insurance covered it so instead of $30 a month it is only $6! My periods were so heavy and the progesterone really lessened that. I had also been having horrible PMS. What I didn’t realize is that I was in this constant state of fighting irritability. I would just explode sometimes over nothing and at other times like if someone really got hurt, I would under react. God has taught me a lot which I will share more about later. I had really been thinking that I was the worst mother in the world. I didn’t understand how I could be asking God to help me be kinder and more patient and then still be as snippy as I was. Ben says I have incredible self-control (sometimes). I just did not realize how much I was trying to not be the monster that was inside of me. I couldn’t stand much noise, or think of more than one thing at a time. Sometimes I couldn’t even decide what to have for dinner. It was beyond my mental capacity. I am actually writing this several months later and I truly did not know how bad it was. I wanted to mention my symptoms just in case someone else has similar illness and needs hope that you can get better. I know what its like to wonder if you’re dying but not have the money or health insurance to do anything about it. I’ll only briefly mention the symptoms here. Later I’ll explain the time frame and the causes. I had extreme fatigue. Like I really couldn’t get out of bed most mornings. If I forced myself, say to switch the laundry or any small task, I would get very dizzy, nauseated, headache, and ill. I had sores in my nose that were so painful. I couldn’t blow by nose or touch it without them cracking open and killing. I had thrush in my mouth up inside my cheeks that would not go away. I had sore bleeding gums. I had chest pain occasionally. I had migraines occasionally that took the center of my vision away. I see floaters constantly. I had a lot of milder headaches. I would drop things constantly, breaking a whole set of dishes over time. Noise really bothered me. Sunshine was too bright unless I wore sunglasses. It would cause the whole sky to shimmer like iridescent tissue paper. I was fighting a monster inside of me. Very heavy 7 day periods. No cramping. Loss of libido. Sex would actually make me feel sick. Many times I would cry at my loss of feeling intimate. My whole body hurt constantly. I would wake up in the mornings so tight and in pain that many times I would cry at having to face another day. My muscles are so tight and painful that sometimes they spasm. My back would not hold chiropractic adjustments. Vaginal yeast infections every couple months. Extreme mental fog. Occasional difficulty speaking, or stuttering. Insomnia coupled with anxiety. It was affecting every moment of my life. If I talked to friends on the phone or visited I would be in bed for days afterwards. Anything completely wiped me out. Only now, March, am I seeing such an improvement and can see the drastic differences. I had been taking V-B complex which helped a little with the fatigue but not much. I started a V-D supplement. I also got put on some amino acid supplements that help the body produce the neuro-transmitters, and started some adrenogen supplement which helps the adrenals. We also found out at this time that there might be a possibility of us going to Hawaii. We began to pray about that and research it and talk to our kids and dream of the ocean and the beach. It was a lot of fun! I wondered if I would be healthy enough to make the move. On the 15th we went to the Burnley’s for a bonfire that got sleeted out. It was a lot of fun. I was still not myself and visiting really sucks it out of me. So we didn’t go to church the next day again. We really miss it. We haven’t felt that way in years. Ben traveled again the next week. Some very dear friends, and their friends signed us up and paid for hotel and meals and conference and everything and lined up a babysitter for the weekend for us! The conference was by Family Life, a Weekend to Remember. I weaned Teddy completely the day before we left for the conference. The first time I had not been pregnant and/or nursing in 7 1/2 years. The first time Ben and I had been alone for a weekend (except when I was in labor with Noble) for 7 years. I was quite excited. But wouldn’t you know it, I had PMS and started and was grumpy and exhausted by the time we were trying to leave Friday night. I wasn’t ready when Ben got home. Shannon Bergfeld, our babysitter came and picked up the kids and I just broke down. I was dreading the conference. All I wanted to do was lay around in the hotel and rest with my husband. Who wants to go to a stupid conference your first weekend alone in 7 years? And then I would feel so guilty for being so selfish and ungrateful to our friends who worked all this out. So we’re drivng to the conference and we had to scratch our dinner plans because I was running so late. The tension was building on the way there, like almost a major fight. We ended up grabbing Taco Bell on the way, scarfing it and still being 10 minutes late to the conference. I hate missing the first part of anything, then you wonder if you really know what is going on the whole time. Boy, I had no idea what we were in for. The conference was fabulous. I wept almost the whole weekend. Ben and I have had such a hard decade together and this was the first time we had been taught the right things about marriage. No thanks to any of our former churches! (I must say I will forever be grateful to my friend Kris for teaching me to love my husband through our hardest times.) Our marriage had taken some major blows some of which had exposed themselves a year earlier, and some things we weren’t even aware of until that conference. I could weep now with such a grateful heart at what God started that weekend for us. Such healing, such redeeming. What a wonderful God we serve! We spent $200 on books that no one else ever told us existed…books that have continued to bless and change our lives. I just wonder why all the ultra-conservatives that we have been around don’t know about these most helpful resources? If they do shame on them for not sharing these things! I really think it is because, they at Family Life, are not legalists. Legalism did not give us a safe marriage. It brought death to our marriage. More on that a different time. So the weekend was fabulous! Thanks to the Kohlers, Cromers, Lokkees, and Lamottes! Thank you and thank you again and again. Ben had the whole next week off with vacation days and Thanksgiving. (I got off the no-everything diet at Thanksgiving but felt great the second week and actually deep cleaned parts of my house for the first time in like 6 months) It was the highlight of my year. Having been away from our children just that short time we felt so refreshed. We began to scarf up the good books. I will list them below. We first read Grace-based Parenting by Tim Kimmel. It will knock your socks off. I have not yet mastered that book but need to. God’s grace is the central theme, subtitle: Set your family free! Read it, you will be so glad you did. We had bought a little thanksgiving book that told the story of the pilgrims which we read to our kids. We listened to hymns of thanksgiving. We indulged in God’s grace and the blessing of our family. It just does not get any better than this! We also had purchased little name cards which you write what you are thankful for. What a year of deliverance for us. We went from starving and being jobless and almost homeless (not an exaggeration) to Ben working at one of the best companies in the nation! God be praised! All of our problems are not fixed but we trust in him who has provided so abundantly for us! As we sat around the table and shared what we were thankful for my heart just overflowed with appreciation at God’s goodness! Like I said, that week was the highlight of not only my year but probably my life! The day after Thanksgiving we went to my mom and dad’s house for dinner and saw all the relatives. I got very motion sick on the way out and wasn’t sure I was going to be ok. But I was ok, and it was great to see several cousins, aunts and uncles and my brothers, parents, and grandparents. The next day we went on our annual Christmas tree venture. What a glorious week and a half! But shew, a lot of activity and emotional highs which suck the life out of me. Annie the college girl decided to move in after Christmas.
Add a comment March 12, 2009
What’s been going on in October
The last weekend of September we took a weekend Inquirer’s Class that is a prerequisite for membership. We have been attending Presbyterian churches for nearly five years. We have been much more Presbyterian than baptist for even longer than that. Our first big pull that direction was Andrew Murray’s book Raising Your Children for Christ. We found it in a clearance rack in a Christian book store and read it and loved it when we were expecting our first child who will be seven in December. We loved this book and it was our first exposure to pedobaptism that wasn’t baptimsal regeneration. So wow, it was an eye-opener. We haven’t read that book for a while and may not even agree with everything in it but God definitely used it to turn our hearts toward our little unborn child and think of her as partaker of God’s covenant promise and grace. We were still baptists and bought that book for all of our baptist friends including the pastor. Would it surprise you that we eventually got asked not to attend there for heretical reasons? Wow, that’s amazing to remember. We still held to credobaptism but have slowly been persuaded in our hearts that the other is a more biblical position. So we are thrilled to be coming to a point at which we can actually make the official plunge…or should I say sprinkle? lol. The class we took was amazing as it reminded us again of the humility that we as Christians should have and the love that should be flowing through us that can only flow through us when we indulge in God’s love for us. That’s a thought to ponder. We have been so drawn to this church because of the amazing preaching and the ministries that seek to help hurting people. We sense God’s healing hand in our lives like never before and feel so comfortable to be in a place where its okay to admit that you desperately need God in your life. So that wraps up September. We have been busy these first two weeks of October. The month started out with some disturbing discoveries about our past church affiliations. I wanted to blog about it but decided to tie it in with the book I am now writing. I had first intended to write portions of that on this blog. After praying about this I think I will not be posting most of the book here. The content will be hard to swallow for many who were part of it. I want to be sensitive and not hurt anyone with shameful histories. So I feel more free to capture the story as I remember it if I don’t have to worry about that now. I am not sure if I will publish it here or where but I am sure I will know when it is complete which may take years. So I have narrowed the blog’s intent to capturing just what’s happening in my life now and maybe even that can’t be complete. So back to October. The first week was spent sorting through this and drafting some blog’s that just couldn’t be posted. Then things in the now just got busy and this is the first chance I’ve had to sit with my computer open and think. Good thing I’m not a famous blogger. The first week of October my children got sick. Not too bad, just a little cold and fevers. We had to cancel our movie/popcorn night with the Johnson’s. All were disappointed. So that Saturday we decided since Ben would be gone for Cara’s b-day on Tues. we would pick apples at an applefarm and take a picnic and cake to the farm. No chance of infesting others with our germs in the open air. We did and it was fun. When we got home my dad was there for a visit. It was a great time as we don’t get to see them enough. Then Monday we made the tastiest applesauce with the 40 # of apples we picked (minus some that I made a crumble and dumplings with on Sunday.) Funny thing, poor Cara gets hives everytime she eats any of this. Really strange because we eat apples on a daily basis at our house, only different varieties. Ben was gone Monday and Tues. but the Johnsons called and came over for the afternoon. We made chocolate chip banana muffins and put the little sparkly #2 candle that Laura brought on Cara’s muffin. Laura is too much. She brought gifts, candle, birthday horn blowy things, and her and her cheerful babies, not to mention bread and cheese for lunch. What wonderful friends God has surrounded us with. Also Shannon popped in and out for the night that Ben was gone. See what I mean! I was pretty exhausted unfortunately by the time Ben got home. But I seem to rebound a little faster these days. The improvement is so slow, but sure. Ben’s work has picked up but it seems to be an amazing opportunity to tally up points for an increase in pay. The rest of the week was spent shopping, recooperating, and getting Ben ready for four days of travel the next week. That always means laundry, ironing, spending time filling our children’s love tanks, making sure we have all the necessities so I don’t have to take 5 chillins into the store by myself for say, tp. So this week, I made more applesauce withTrader Joe’s apples, not nearly so yummy as the other stuff. The end of last week I finally got the children’s morning routines and chores figured out and sketched with little pictures. I also assigned the 2 big girls certain rooms for chores and each room has posted the steps it takes to get that room in order and the little sketches to show them what to do since they can’t read many words yet. Once that was in place and they began doing them each morning that led to another project. Deciding what to expect them to do as personal responsibility and what to reward them for and how? So I decided that the bedtime and morning routines would just be part of their life habits that would always stay the same but the chores could change with age and increasing ability, and would be extra work that they could earn allowance for. That led to another project. How to track that and what reward system I would use. I have some simple chart ideas in mind for the tracking, but I jumped ahead to the reward system. I always borrow ideas from others so I remembered an idea of using milk cartons to make little buildings representing different categories for saving and spending to make a little spending street that sits on their dresser. So I decided we would pay each child 50 cents a day (6 days a week) that they complete their chores and then decided on different percentages of that money would be placed into each little building (payday being once a month). So the bank is used to save for maybe their first home. When these get full we will empty them and take it and make a deposit in their bank account which we haven’t set up yet. Then the church will hold their tithe money. The orphanage will hold the money for the poor. The giftshop will hold money for b-day and Christmas gifts. The mall will hold their spending money. The school will hold their money for college or future education. Of course we could make more contributions to the real bank account as time goes along and we have money to do so. Also we will keep a simple ledger in the same little routine binder to show them what they have in each category also yet to be designed. So that led to another project. We don’t buy carton milk…so I decided to make little buildings out of plastic canvas. So I designed them and started yesterday making them. It is very basic but cute. They have four walls, floor, and a pitched roof with just the edges of each piece whip stitched together. When full the roof can be unlaced for emptying and easily stitched back together. Everyone is so excited to get their little building banks done. It may take me a while. I can whip one out in about an hour. But 5 children times 6 buildings is 30 hours. Thankfully only the first 3 really are aware of this process. But as with the routine binders I have made one for each child so I don’t have to do it later. So Teddy who is only 10 months old has all this in place for when he is say 3 years old. This will also fit well in our homeschooling as we are learning to count money soon. Life is full. Life is fun. Life is hard at moments. But I wouldn’t trade the blessing of teaching and equipping these children for the life God has for them for all the world. I want my children to grow up and contribute to the world, make it a better place, further the kingdom of God. I want them to be well prepared and ready to face the complexity of adulthood with already established habits. These things are on a practical level. On a spiritual level, we have been talking a lot about Jesus. I am rereading the book Humility by Andrew Murray. We are also learning that to be humble is to be like Jesus. To be a servant of all is to be like Jesus. So chores aren’t something to dread but they are ways to humble ourselves and serve those we love and by doing so glorify God and he will exalt us. Personally I am trying to learn humility when it comes to trying moments with my children. That I would see it as the priviledge it truly is to help them be free from sin and self. And guess what? It is at that moment that my sin and self wants to be exalted. So my prayer is teach me, Lord, to be like you that I might teach these little ones to do the same. So this has been October so far and I am so thankful to have kept pace and continually ask God to heal my body.
2 comments October 16, 2008
Responsibility or self-reliance?
This week was full of surprise blessings. Earlier some dear sweet friends came by with a large box. The two young girls had cleaned houses and saved up their money to buy and surprise me with a very expensive appliance that I had been wanting for several years now. I wept. I couldn’t believe that these young girls would work so hard then give it to me. It was such a blessing because it reminded me of God’s deep care and amazing power to work in the hearts of people to make such sacrificial gifts. Then later in the week we got an e-mail from Ben’s aunt in Wisconsin. She wanted to know all of our clothes sizes. Honestly, I hadn’t even had time to think of the need of fall/winter clothing for everyone yet. Maybe in the back of my mind I had wondered what we would do this time around, but just hadn’t even worried about it yet. God knows our needs even before we ask. On Friday evening, 3 very large boxes arrived. Inside we found not just clothes, but little toys, beautifully washed, ironed, and folded outfits for each family member. Not just one, but several outfits ranging from dress to casual, from pajamas to play clothes. It was incredible. Some things were brand new, others were used, but it was like Christmas at our house in September. Each child was so excited. Ben and I were amazed at the clothing for us. We were in desperate need of new clothes too. They were all sized just right for Ben and I and the children have things for now and when they grow a little. Some of the outfits had ribbons tied into bows just to make them special. I wondered if I were to go shopping for someone would I have so whole-heartedly thrown myself into it, to launder and make it so beautiful? The Lord is so good to use his children to take care of his children. It was so personal and so amazing. It has been a really tough week for me with Ben being out of town some, me not feeling well, emotional, hormonal, worn out. It seems like I just don’t learn this lesson for keeps. Today I had my little list of all I needed to get done. Most of it was valid. I have been very stressed out and I am just trying to change it for next week and make some progress and better our home and be responsible about the lifestyle choices I make. Doesn’t that all sound very good? Yes, it does. I have been wracking my brain all week trying to understand how we can be making more money than ever and still it not be enough. If you know me at all, I am hyper- responsible. Maybe a little paranoid about responsibility? So I keep trying to tweek our budget but I can’t change anything. All of the ideas I come up with to save, I just don’t have the strength or energy to do right now. My plate is full. So is Ben’s. So I keep thinking and worrying and trying to come up with more ideas. I keep praying that God will give me wisdom to see what I can do differently, like shop more frugally, even though I already am one of the most frugal shoppers I know. So today we planned on going to the hot air balloon race in Forest Park. We all needed a break and some fresh air. But when it came down to all we needed to get done, I was not feeling energetic, I didn’t know what we should do. Of course Ben tried to do what I was saying I wanted to do, but then what I really wanted was to go but also to get everything done on my list and get my whole life under control. I just want to be responsible and get a hold of every aspect of my life. Doesn’t that sound like what I should be doing? Yes, it does. So as I was frantically making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to take for lunch and throwing dinner in the crock pot because I am trying to be frugal and stay on budget, I just started breaking down. I felt as if Ben must not be understanding how much stress I am under trying to get all this stuff figured out (not just finances, but also some of my proactive goals from an earlier post.) So we loaded up and kept talking about all of this on the way. We are only about 15 minutes from Forest Park. My sweet husband could have gotten very mad at me, well I think he was at moments, but he didn’t let it get the best of him. He just listened and asked what could he have done differently. This is not the man I married by the way. This is a new and amazing guy that God has changed. So I am crying and we are driving and talking and I realize that my expectations of him are conflicting and that I am basically crazy. What is wrong with me? Well a lot, physically and spiritually. Ben just gently began to explain that I want life under control and God just isn’t allowing me to have it. (Funny thing in the middle of all of this, my 3 yr. old son is behind us in the van ready to beat Ben up because he is making his mommy cry…I had to explain that Papa was helping me and that he was not making me cry) I think I am being responsible when God just wants me to turn to him and wait on him. But doesn’t God want us to do our best? Yes, he does, but he doesn’t want us to depend or trust in that, rather in Him. I think God has been trying to teach me this lesson for so long. Each time I am as shocked as I was the first time to find that I am not turning to the Lord with the right prayers. I truly am one of the most stubborn, self-reliant people I have ever known of. God continually brings me to a place of helplessness so that I might learn that he is my helper. He is my provider. He is my strength. He is my deliverer. If only I could learn and not torment myself and my poor family. There really is nothing more I can do to change our finances. There is nothing more I can do to change my health. There is not much else I can do to accomplish tasks this weekend, I am out of time and energy. So after sobbing into the giant quilt that we brought for the park I could bring myself before the Lord and admit all of this and lift my eyes unto God and wait patiently for his ever-faithful hand to provide. If anyone should know this it is me. I have been through so many hard times and seen God amazingly deliver and provide. Yet, still my faith is so weak, and my burden so heavy. Please pray for me that I wouldn’t forget all of God’s blessing and provision and that I would rely on him. I can’t wait for church tomorrow as I love the confessions as they almost always remind me of this. Relying on God is such a wonderful place to be. Much sweeter than grasping for things that God has not allowed. Off to bed I go with many things left on my list but a much lighter heart, almost as light as the balloons we saw soaring into the sky. We had a great time at the balloon race just lazing around on our quilt and playing with our sweet children. What a beautiful day!
Add a comment September 21, 2008
